For those of you who know me, you know that I do have a few minor (or at least I hope they are still just minor) health issues. I have muscular skeletal issues in my forearms that even the specialists were stumped by, which causes me to lose grip in fingers/hands. It also causes the muscles in my arms to tighten so much that you can see the each strand of muscle in my arms and I can’t use them at all. Along with both of those symptoms I get swollen fingers.
The other minor issue I have is low blood sugar. If I exert too much and don’t eat enough I get light headed and have on a couple of occasions, passed out.
Although neither are really life threatening I do still have to be careful with how far I really do push myself. I know my limits and butt right up against that line on a regular basis, but I still try not to go too far.
I do have one “disease” that I hear is curable, but still plagues me every day. Its called (in scientific terms of course), my own lack of confidence. That stupid little Heather in the back of my head telling me that I can’t do it.
She is a mean b*tch sometimes, but to a certain degree, I understand why. She and I have made it 39 years doing what we knew we would be good at, and staying inside that little bubble where we knew we wouldn’t fail.
I know I spend a lot of my time reminding others that “THEY CAN DO IT!” or saying “YOU GOT THIS!” and I believe that. I believe that my friends can do whatever they set their minds to. The little Heather has faith any pretty much every one but me.
I didn’t really realize how bad I was in my own head until I was talking to Hammy tonight. Yes, I knew I had a ridiculous fear of the elliptical…but I didn’t know how deep this insecurity went until we were talking.
See, the thing is, when I am with my trainer I can get about the first 15 mins with little to no struggle, but after that I start to worry, “am I going to over do it? am I hurting myself? have I been drinking enough? have I eaten enough? have I eaten TOO much?” and that is when it hits me, I start getting nauseous and over heated and my palms get all sweaty and light headed… and you name it, it happens.
Since I have really been trying to be better, I have told myself daily that I can do it. Sad thing is, Little Heather doesn’t agree. She doesn’t think that we can handle all of the physical activity, so she goes on her negativity kick and I listen.
I have come so far, physically and emotionally, but I still have so much further to go.
I have been able to cross the four, five, and six foot walls, I have handled the bucket brigade to the best of my ability, I have mastered the cargo net, have even jumped a fire, but I still haven’t been able to overcome my own self doubt. Frankly, I don’t know how to do it.
I often post treadmill photos or goofy pictures of my and the punching dummy at the gym or even before and after pictures. I do that to look back and remind Little Heather that I did it. Maybe it was just a mile, or 15 mins, or even just being on the bike, but I feel like every little bit of proof I can give to the little b*tch, the closer to having faith in me she will get.
Am I crazy, probably. Will that change, I hope so. Am I getting there, definitely.
Just have to figure out how to either turn off that little voice, or find another way to believe in myself.