As I sit here and write, I openly admit I am my own worst enemy. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else could. Especially when it comes to what I have NOT done. I see a challenge and at that point in time I don’t attempt it. Thinking later that I knew how to do it, and that my skill level would allow it, but the timing was off or for whatever reason it was not possible right then.
Take the slippery wall for example… As a fairly intelligent person (yes, that was me somewhat complimenting myself), I completely understand the physics of it, and HOW it should be approached. “HER” was sooo scared of it because she didn’t understand how to correctly work with it. WE sat down and had a lengthy conversation and I talked HER through it. In the next race – she did it. Granted, there was help from battle buddies, but the fact that she got within their reach was huge. HER had never got within arms reach until I explained the HOW TO to HER. I, on the other hand, did not try it because of my arms. It was close to the end of the race for us and my fingers were already looking like Vienna Sausages and my arms were fried. Instead of just walking around the wall, and ignoring the volunteers “Come on, you can do this,” and “just give it your best,” and “STFU!” I felt the need to tell him why I wasn’t trying it. Like in his head he thought I was a weenie, or just not “Spartan” enough to do it, so I had to explain that that was not the case it was a medical condition limiting my ability to go further.
After the race, HER kept making comments about my “medical condition” and how that was all I would talk about when there was something I couldn’t do. Yes, that is true… I did. Maybe they didn’t need to know. Maybe they didn’t want to know… but I felt judged by them for NOT doing what was in front of me. HER later told me that I needed to push myself more, and stop making excuses for why I was not doing the challenges.
As this blog is not about HER, I will stop there, but honestly, that is a perfect example of how I stop when I need to and how I know my limits. HER opinion mattered to me, I wanted HER to be proud of me, but not to the point that I had to risk my health and the safety of those around me to do what she wanted.
That is why that meme hit me so hard. There are so many of us struggling in one way or the other, but the truth is, you have to put faith in yourself. Not only to know your limits, but also know when it is good (and safe) to push past them.
Have I always made the right decision or pushed as hard as I could? No, definitely not. But knowing that I am the only one I have to answer to makes all the difference. I am my biggest and worst critic, but in this journey of #becomingabetterme, I am just going to have to learn to stop worrying what others think because honestly – in my heart – I know I am doing the very best for me I can.